Just Another Writing Blog

I turned 40 this year.
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I know, right? Yes, it does matter. No, it isn't just a number and I really don't care if your forties were the best years of your life. I can feel death's cold embrace edging closer with every breath. So what if you're older than me and fine with it? Good for you. I know I should be grateful for what I've got and that, yes, things could be a lot worse. But this is my life and, actually, yes, I do have a problem with it.

Cue mid-life crisis. Before you know it I will own a soft-topped sports car and have my ear pierced. Again. I'm as frightened of becoming a cliche as I am of leaving nothing behind.

Because that's what it comes down to, isn't it? I'm not married, I have no long-term partner, and I have no kids. The words that were supposed to provide me with some sense of immortality are either not being produced or I convince myself that there's no point as nobody sees them anyway. Even as I write that, I'm aware of how grandiose it sounds, but why should I apologise for wanting to be heard? Why should any of us? I worry that I might have nothing to say but if I'm honest with myself - and that's the real purpose of this blog - then the truth is that I'm just frightened to say it. Frightened that it's derivative or puerile. Frightened I might upset someone. Frightened that nobody will be listening.

Frightened of failure. There, I've said it. How's that for cliche?

It isn't that I haven't made progress with my writing. I am a much better writer now than I have ever been. I have an MA, I've won a bursary, I've had compliment after compliment about how well I write, even some from people whose opinions I respect. I've finished a novel, suffered rejections, rewritten a novel, suffered more rejections. And I will rewrite it again and no doubt suffer even more rejections. I know this isn't a new story, or in any way an original one, but I want to tell it.

I would like to say this is all for your benefit, beloved reader, and I truly do hope that it helps you too, but the truth is I'm doing this for me. Call it loneliness, call it midlife crisis, call it anxiety, fear of failure, lack of moral fibre; it doesn't really matter. This blog is my first step in changing all that. I will write something every week, without fail. At least then I will have written something. Mostly it will be about writing (or not writing), but I have other things to say as well so forgive me if I wander off topic now and again. No, forget that; apology rescinded. This is my blog, I'll write about whatever I want and if you don't like it/find it interesting all you have to do is stop reading.

This is thevoiceofruss... 
     ...and by my voice I shall be known.

First, I'm off to get my ear pierced.